On mailing a package

My husband just had to mail a rather large package (28 lbs, 44" x 14" x 6") this morning, and when he returned from the adventure, he was compelled to write this 'proem'. I had to post it.

On Mailing A Package

It’s amazing how many things can go wrong mailing a package
how many things you need to remember to bring with you
in order to mail said package.

You need:
• the package
• packing tape (if it’s not already taped shut)
• money (i.e. your wallet)
• the address where the package is going

Without anyone of these things, your attempt at mailing the package will fail.
If you happen to remember that you forgot your wallet (or the package) after driving to the nearest Post Office, consider yourself lucky that you didn’t just wait in a long line at the Post Office only to reach the counter and publicly find yourself to be a complete idiot in front of a long line of people who have nothing better to do than to silently, carefully consider and (clucking their tongues, no doubt) feel sorry for the complete idiot who left his wallet (or the address, or god help you the package) at home, thereby failing the relatively simple act of mailing a package.

When you return to finish mailing the package, perhaps you’ll put your keys in the wrong pocket, and after mailing the package, return to your car and begin hunting for them, only to not be able to find them because devils have caused them to find a small flap of cloth in your pocket where they will be absolutely, ineffably hidden from you, thus making you think you left them on the counter and the horror of facing the postal clerk who just told you you could come to the front of the line when you come back with your package or money or address (even though when you finally made it back to the Post Office, there was no one in line, just the nice clerk grinning at you) the horror of facing the clerk’s grin makes your stomach fall and the skin on your scalp crawl. Or, shock and horror and bloody demons, you may have somehow inadvertently mailed your keys.

At this point you have several options. You can:
• Scream with rage
• Groan with frustration
• Laugh (recommended)
• Attack an innocent bystander (not recommended)
• Rifle through your pockets once again, praying you find your keys.

Hopefully the small prayer will bind the devils long enough for you keys to make a sound, and you will save yourself the further humiliation of not just leaving your keys at the Post Office, but even worse the humiliation of mistakenly thinking that you’ve left your keys at the Post Office after forgetting the package you meant to mail (or the money or address or tape) and confirming to the postal clerk that you’re having a really bad day and shouldn’t be trusted to keep track of anything or anyone.